I found myself smiling, my cheeks pink.
I was thinking of you.
I’m drawn to you, longing to stretch in your light.
To feel your body next to mine.
With the gentle space between us I am wanted and held close.
My heart is opening from your warmth.
Where did you come from?
Please tell me you will stay.
Belly to belly and breath to breath, we are entwined.
What a delicious place to be…
The Sun shines through my window. I am pacing.
The cat bathing in the light stares at me.
My heart is beating wildly, and there is weight on my skull.
I am overwhelmed. I need to go.
I open the door and reel. There is too much out there.
I am jealous of the lady walking her dogs. I hide inside and stare out the window.
Deep breaths. I look at my running shoes. My escape plan.
I quickly change my clothes before I change my mind.
I step out, the air is cold and I run into the wind.
The tears come. Falling off my face and drying tightly on my cheeks over and over.
Painful realizations slam into me. Thoughts, like bullets, shoot through my brain.
The deep heartache pinches my soul, moving rhythmically, never stopping, covering my whole being.
The floodgate is open. My failings and hurts bubble up and I am crumbling.
I pause on the road and look at the sun casting shadows.
Unworthy, alone, and unloved. That is where I live.
I am not allowed in the light. I do not live in anyone’s heart.
I turn around and head home.
There is nothing left for me to do but crawl into bed and endure.
The darkness of my mind.
Alone.
Wrap your arms around me and kiss me.
Breathe my name in a whisper.
Envelop me in your warmth.
Smooth the rough in my center.
Be gentle with my soul.
With each breath, I can feel the weight of Life.
The spinning broken pieces crash into one another.
Chaos in the wind.
With each heartbeat, I can feel the weight of Time.
Deep and methodical, or erratic and dancing.
Moments pressing on me.
If I sit still enough, I can feel the Stars fall. A cosmic arc, haloing above my head.
My eyes blink too slowly for the speed of Life around me.
Balanced on the edge of a rock in the middle of the Lake I look down and see a mirror of the Sky.
Am I falling or floating?
I leave my body at the height of prayer.
My soul connects with Spirit.
With an intake of breath, I touch down.
I open up and pull in the Earth.
Grounded once more, Life and Time move forward.
I leave pieces of myself scattered along the shore.
Being with you dissipates the clouds over my head.
Your boyish smile is infectious. Your eyes are bright and shine with happiness.
Charming and engaged, you make me laugh.
I like the way your beard feels against my face when we kiss, the way my hand feels in yours, and the way you look at me.
Your arms, strong from years in the ring, lift me off the ground and pull me close.
My heart beats faster. And I feel secure.
Tuning into you, I can feel the Sunshine again.
One of the things I love most about you is the look of amusement in your eyes and how you laugh, your soul knowing life is wild and you need to just hold on and enjoy it.
Your tears tell your story too.
You are an amazing testament to surviving the unexpected. And survive you do.
You are a force of love in this world.
Body battered and soul tired, you never stop giving.
I see your kindness. I see your efforts.
I see you care so much it can pain you.
I also see the difference you make.
You are unwavering in your loyalty.
You have been there with me inside my dark.
Your honesty and straightforward voice keep me grounded.
You don’t judge, but you see clearly and tell me what I need to hear. You pull me out of my victim role.
You love wide, you care unconditionally, and you are beautiful.
I see the Light pour out of your being. It is far-reaching in its glow.
I am grateful for you.
You are one of a kind and I would be lost without you.
Each time I see you, it is easier to say goodbye.
My heart still aches, it always will, but it is no longer a fresh wound.
You walk out my door and become an echo.
You get quieter and quieter, fading fast until you are gone.
I can let you go now.
Sober.
I am sober.
It has been one year since I had my last drink. It has been painful.
Getting there has been one breath at a time.
Heartbeat by heartbeat.
As the fog started to lift from my brain, the emotions I ran from hit me full force. Unrelenting gut punches. It hurt. Without an escape, without reprieve, I felt it all. All the pain, all the traumas, all the heartbreak. Facing that pain without the buffer of the bottle was overwhelming.
It was uncomfortable, it was gut-wrenching, it was transformative.
I felt like I was being pulled under by the currents of the Lake. Fighting for air and being tossed around. But as I rolled closer to the surface, the waves spinning me, I was being cleansed.
Minute by minute, day by day, I found pieces of me and my new life and started to put them together. What I saw was that vast emptiness, the place I left inside myself as a hole in my heart, was filling up. I discovered running and a renewed connection to the Earth. I discovered hot yoga and a new way to connect my body to my breath. I rediscovered writing. My old disjointed, often incoherent script fell away, and a new creative and clear style emerged. And I discovered myself.
Over the months, I gained new friends from yoga, was welcomed by my Saturday morning recovery group, and reconnected with my circle of women. These are the people who support me. They offer ears to listen, hands to hold, and an acceptance I’d never felt. Held up by my collective of loving souls I grew stronger. Pulling in the pieces of my sober self, I started to fill up.
I looked within and stared down the demons inside. They had sobered up too and were ready for a fight. It’s a scary place to be. Facing the truth, feeling the pain, and going head to head with the parts of my life that hurt so much I had to constantly numb them was hard. It still is.
It has been one year since my last drink. Hopefully, I have many more years to grow in my sobriety. My transformation is not complete. It never will be. But my journey down my new path toward it is wide open. I’m walking slowly, gathering up pieces of myself and starting to fill that vast emptiness. Sobriety is challenging and sometimes overwhelming. It can be a lonely place, but it is soul work. And the point of soul work is to heal. In surrendering and allowing myself to break wide open, I can allow for healing to begin.
One year does not mark an endpoint. One year is the beginning. I broke through the waves of the Lake and am swimming with the current. I am tired, but I can see the shore.
Sobriety is the best gift I’ve ever given myself. I will treat it with the reverence it deserves and accept the grace it has to offer.
With every beat my heart has taken this year, I am grateful.
Often I am alone.
And support in sobriety is important. Support in life is important.
Slaying demons during a pandemic is hard. Maintaining sobriety in isolation is harder.
This year has brought me one of the biggest challenges I’ve ever faced.
Getting sober isn’t pretty.
None of it is fun.
It hurts from day one.
This weekend I was reminded of real love and absolute grace.
When you go through life changes you find out fast who you can depend on. Who is there, and who shows up.
My circle is very small.
My friends, this beautiful collective of Wise Women, they are my family.
I am thankful.
They are the ones who have seen me through my traumas, my depressive episodes, my mental breaks, my heartache, and now they are holding me up in my sobriety.
I would not be here without them.
I read somewhere, “Friendship is finding somebody who’ll walk with you- even in the dark.”
That is our story. Our intertwined lives, our love, our children, our pain. It’s all there inside this circle. For the first time in a long time, I felt not only supported but loved with the purest energy.
I know there is still a lot of dark to walk, for all of us, but they remind me of the light.
And I am so grateful to be walking with these amazing women in the Sun.