The Sun shines through my window. I am pacing.

The cat bathing in the light stares at me. 

My heart is beating wildly, and there is weight on my skull.

I am overwhelmed. I need to go.

I open the door and reel. There is too much out there.

I am jealous of the lady walking her dogs. I hide inside and stare out the window.

Deep breaths. I look at my running shoes. My escape plan.

I quickly change my clothes before I change my mind.

I step out,  the air is cold and I run into the wind.

The tears come. Falling off my face and drying tightly on my cheeks over and over.

Painful realizations slam into me. Thoughts, like bullets, shoot through my brain.

The deep heartache pinches my soul, moving rhythmically, never stopping, covering my whole being.

The floodgate is open. My failings and hurts bubble up and I am crumbling. 

I pause on the road and look at the sun casting shadows.

Unworthy, alone, and unloved. That is where I live.

I am not allowed in the light. I do not live in anyone’s heart.

I turn around and head home.

There is nothing left for me to do but crawl into bed and endure.

The darkness of my mind.

Alone.