Posted on by innerearth11

Reckless

We tried again.

With painful declarations and tears in our eyes, we agreed to part.

But I wrote and you called.

You are at my door. We sit side by side, leaning into each other.

Your inability to part, your unwillingness to unbind yourself from me.

The way you keep my things. My key, my letters, my bracelet, and my heart.

You refuse to let go of them.

You keep them near you and just close enough.

Close enough for hope.

Every time.

I allow it all and keep that space for you.

Because your heartbeat when you pull me in is loud in my ears.

And your kiss stirs my soul from its stillness.

You awaken my heart to the possibility of the impossible.

My hand in yours ignites the flame of hope…

Hope.

It is the most reckless feeling.

Posted on by innerearth11

Becoming Undone

My heartbeat is too loud.

I’m not sure if I’m breathing.

All my thoughts begin to swirl and mix.

Spinning, I am no longer anchored to the Earth.

I lay on my back.

The pain washes over me again and again.

There is a smothering heaviness in my chest.

I am soul-dark and heartbroken.

With seemingly no end to the onslaught of my hurt, I pray for death.

My skin is burning.  I want to peel it from my bones.

I want to slash and stab all the soft fleshy places on my body.

I want to pull my hair from its roots. I want to bleed.

I want it to end. I want out.

I want silence and a reprieve.

No more light, no more dark.

No more pain. I don’t want to feel.

Depression breaks my brain wide open and I become undone.

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Sway

I sway with the wind in the dark.

Listening to my heartbeat.

I reach down deep to the place where love lives.

Where it is formed.

I pull a piece of love out and think of her.

Carefully but with intention, I release love into the wind.

Hoping that piece will find her, bring light to her dark, and help bind the hole in her heart.

Posted on by innerearth11

Washed

Letting go of the breath I had been holding in, I open my eyes.

The beautiful vastness of the Lake is before me.

Sometimes she rages with whitecaps and fierce currents. Today, she caresses the sand with her gentle lapping. Inviting me into her open embrace.

It’s early morning the Sun is already hot.

I drop my dress and wade in. Diving under, the cold hits me, opening my brain, my soul, my being. Engulfed, my skin is tingling, my lungs are bursting, and my hair is flowing.

I stay under and swim out. Turning over to my back, I slowly float to the surface.

My face toward the sky, I am encased in a wet, living body. A deep place full of life and death. She holds me, and I am safe.

I stand, belly-deep, swaying with the waves. Breathing. She is spread out wide, loving, and comforting.

Within her embrace, with the drops of her running down my body, I am washed.

Posted on by innerearth11

Final Moments

Allow us this time.

Be here with me in these final moments.

You insist on parting from me even though it devastates your heart.

Don’t leave me alone in our sorrow.

I need you to feel this with me.

Hold me close and touch my face. I want to remember the feel of your hands on my cheeks.

Soften and say all the words you feel that I most long to hear.

Kiss me with the lips of a man who knows that every time we meet, it may be the last.

Lay yourself bare to me and expose your raw. Accept my brokenness in return.

Be present with me in these final moments.

Let what is left of the light between us carry us through the dark one more time.

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Upon Waking

I woke full of you.

I could feel my soul lean into your pull.

The heat of your embrace was palpable.

The air was thick with your scent.

I woke fully, an ache in my soul, filled with sorrow.

The tears were real. Your presence was not.

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Sparkle

The sparkle of your eyes, clear and blue when you smile, dances like swirling stars upon my heart.

And when you are brave enough to look into my eyes, something breaks wide open in me.

I’m looking into the Universe. Vast and stunning.

What pours out of you fills me. I never feel more beautiful than when you look at me.

Those parts of you laid bare in your stare prove to me there is still good, love, and beauty in the world.

I see you for all you are and all you can be. And you mirror that back at me.

For those few moments, we are both the best versions of ourselves.

Posted on by innerearth11

306 Days

I saw a t-shirt that said, “Retired Blackout Artist.” I found myself smiling but sad. There are so many times I miss my old drinking self. In my head, I resembled Karen Walker. A short, dark-haired lady, who had a tolerance for alcohol so high she could drink an old school biker under the table. The lady with a nice rack ordering two vodka martinis, dirty as her first drink at the bar. It was who I was, a persona I created to justify the alcoholism in my head. I thought she was funny and fun. I liked being her. I know the reality was much different. Double fisting martinis all night was not artistry. It was insanity. 

I mourn that person. I was her for 30 years. She was my alter ego and she was fun. She was my shield, my armor, a way to protect all the brokenness inside me from spilling out. I hid all that pain away behind her. Nobody wanted to see that. People wanted to see what kind of shenanigans I would offer up after two bottles of wine in my belly. Until they didn’t. For those that love me, it wasn’t a fun ride. It was a scary-ass rollercoaster, probably with clowns. One loose screw could derail the whole fucking thing.

I am sorry.

But even knowing all of this, I still miss her. With her my penchant for the dramatic, my wild side was left unchecked. It felt good. Until it didn’t. Yes, she took me to some crazy fun places. We saw a lot of things together. And she helped me master the art of blacking out, of functioning in a haze. I thought she was my friend, but she didn’t really love me. I didn’t love me.

It’s been 306 days since I’ve heard from her. I wish her the best. I hope her retirement is going well. I learned a lot from her but I also hope I never hear from her again. Sometimes in life, it’s just best to part ways.