The throb of my heartbeat is heavy behind my eyes. I blink slowly to slow the vibration. I am crying.

I swallow thickly to quell the rising scream building at the base of my throat. It hurts.

My stomach lurches and knots. I am frozen, unable to move for fear of my heart will explode. I am drowning.

I am alone. The full weight of life holding me down. Struggling to breathe and unable to focus, I rub my face and pull on my hair, rooting myself in reality and momentarily preventing a descent into madness.

I don’t know where to go from here.

The loss of color and beauty is the hardest.

But I miss it less and less as the gray settles deeper into my soul as reality.

Wading through the ashen haze every day is tiresome.

I need to close my eyes.

The ache in the center of my chest is a gaping wound.

Each beat of my heart violently pushes the blood out, spraying all over and pooling at my feet.

Unable to stop the bleeding, I watch the warm, viscous stream of pain fall out of me.

At a loss, I put my hands to my heart and feel it all.

Surely, my heart will explode and finally die, ending the pain and leaving me at peace.

I cannot keep cleaning up the mess…

Sipping my coffee as it rains, I feel the familiar pull of madness.

It is morning and the birds are singing.

The Sky is so darkly white with clouds I am sure the Sun has left me.

As the Wind blows, I wrestle with the urge to strip down naked, walk through the wet field, and feel the sticky sharp grass and wildflowers upon my legs and hips, as they leave marks and welts as proof of their unassuming strength. 

Within is the need to give my body over to the Elements and lay down as the Rain washes me until I shiver and finally fall asleep, lulled by a quiet death from exposure. Leaving my body for the animals and the Earth.

Staring out at my fantasy, I pick up my cup.

My coffee is cold.