Posted on by innerearth11

Acid

The memories eat away at me.

Embedded in my mind but also my soul.

Moments that marked me so deeply I sometimes check my body for actual bruises.

These memories have been with me almost my whole life.

Usually, I’m good.

I’ve done the work.

I’ve accepted and healed.

Mostly.

The wounds are still there. They live inside me, scabbed and scarred.

Seemingly healed.

Until I move wrong and they open again.

Then I bleed.

Fresh, new, deep red blood.

I am a child again, my innocence disrupted. 

My heart beating behind my eyes, the panic, the pain, the shame, and the terror.

I dress the wounds fast and expertly. 

But they are still there, the memories eating away at me. 

Acid on my soul.

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Cracked Sky

When it’s just you and me, I allow for the possibilities. 

Often my brain eagerly eats up the good and spits it out as bile.

Telling me I am undeserving.

But the way you look at me, the way you say my name, the way you smile and I swear the Sky will break wide open spilling forth Sunshine out of every crack…

You make the impossible fade.

My heart runs wild.  My soul is calmed.

Laying my head against your chest, I close my eyes, breathe you in, and listen to your heartbeat.

The strong rhythm of you, and your gentle embrace are otherworldly but rooted in strength.

It takes a strong and gentle man to love a woman so wild.

In that space, our souls are laid bare.

You see me,  I see you.

You smile and my heart cracks wide open along with the Sky.

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Wreckage

You won’t forget me.

The wreckage I leave behind in your heart and soul is proof of a love that burned bright.

You will never be the same. And likely, you will never recover.

Nor will you let yourself.

Take the pieces of me and put them in a box if you must.

But when you find yourself peeking inside that box, searching for me, don’t be surprised at the visceral reaction your memories of me bring.

Feel it all again. Over and over.

Take those memories and endure the gut punch they bring,

Endure it because I want you to remember.

I want you to remember that I loved you completely, without reservation, and for who you are. Remember,  you left me and shattered my heart into a million pieces. Remember, you chose your path.

So let the memory of me burn a hole through your heart again.

It will be worth the pain of boxing me back up to feel my love one more time, even if only in your memory.

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Swollen Sky

The Wind picked up.

I feel it in my bones.

The rush of Air lifts my hair. Electrifying my scalp and tangling my trendles.

The warm breath from the Sky recharges me, I feel the magic at my fingertips.

The Sky deepens her gaze from dark blue to deep gray.

Quickly, the clouds become swollen and pregnant. With a flash of light and thunder at the snap of her fingers, the Sky’s eyes open and empty upon us.

Thick cleansing tears sparkle and fall around me.

The smells of Earth and Life spring forth.

I breathe deep, drawing in the Wind and Rain.

My clothes soaked, my lungs filled anew, and my body tingling, I let the old fall away.

I am cleansed. I am baptized. I am filled with Magic.

I am grateful.

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Fallen Walls

My heart knows you. 

We kiss and it is familiar and heady.

You see the wild in me, the broken, and the light.

To you, I do not need to be tamed or controlled.

To you, I am exactly the way I should be.

You bravely take my hand and pull me near.

You whisper my name and my walls fall.

Time slows, and all I see is you.

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The Fall

Swirling thoughts descend from my mind.

They knock me off my center. I start to fall but my body reels, and I am lifted into the air.

Weightless, I am spinning about the Sky. The wind in my mind is pulling me.

My being is unhinged.

My heart beats wildly. I feel I am going mad.

I can’t touch a single thought long enough to form it, just bits of emotion floating around pelting me. 

I reach out, grasping for a fixed point, and miss every time.

Closing my eyes I hope for the best but expect the worst.

Please don’t let me crash.

Please, this time, set me down gently.

With tears and my heart beating too fast, I brace for the fall.

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Linger

Your smile is Sunshine. 

You light up the dark corners of my mind.

You push the Clouds out of my Sky, leaving a windblown freshness in my soul.

Entwine with me and linger in the Light.

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Cold

My heart cracks loudly in my ears. 

Icy, cold, abandoned, alone in the depths of winter. 

Slow-moving ice on the lake making noise under the cold winter moon are like pieces of me breaking apart from my soul and floating away. 

Broken and empty. Hollow.

Cold bed and cold kitchen.

Love is a never-ending arc. The sway of its curve all around me, but it misses me every time.

This is my deep soul ache. This is my sad longing. This is my incurable loneliness.

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Fullness

I woke this morning with a fullness that was not heavy.

The space between us is gentle and quiet.

The Sunlight filtered in, casting blues and yellows about the bed covers.

Your rhythmic breathing settles my soul.

I audibly breathe you in and sigh.

You pull me in and smile.

The Sun starts to shine even brighter.

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Torn

I am torn.

Inside out, I can feel the pulling.

I am churning and spinning with wild hair and wild eyes.

My panic is rising.

I’m holding on too tightly because letting go is terrifying. 

The pain is deep within.

My heart will explode. Proof of its brokenness splattering against the wall. Spraying pieces of my being violently onto the floor. Pulling all my churning insides out. Torn from me.

The pain is deep.

My longing is trapped inside walls formed in my brain.

I envision a tiny door, an escape hatch.

The other side of the door brings Sunshine. I can see the light peeking through the cracks.

Getting there would be slow. I have to wade through the mud. 

I am being pulled.

But my brokenness begs me to stay in this place and hold onto the pieces left for a little bit longer.  

I am being pulled.

I am torn.