Posted on by innerearth11

Found Things

In the deep of Winter, I allow for the Sacred. 

I welcome found things.

I broke open an apple to reveal the wisdom foretold by the myth of Eve.

Knowledge, not sin. 

An apple, red like the blood of life.

A bouquet of seeds nestled in the center of a fruit that at its core resembles the sacral base of Woman. 

Abundant and life-giving.

Seeds symbolic of all ancient women, the collective of wise women.

Planted within us is the ancient Sacred Feminine.

In the deep of Winter, I found seeds. And with them, the virginal promise of all new beginnings, the sowable life-affirming love of the Mother, and the harvested wisdom of the Crone.

Unwrapping this gift, I am again reminded of the cycle of all things, and

I allow for the Sacred.

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Regret

You live in the dark, a place of fear.

A place with sharp corners and regret.

The soul does not recover from the wounds of what if. And learning the lessons too late will ruin you.

You were given a chance.

A chance to soften into love. 

To fill hearts with one act of bravery.

But you did not take that chance.

Every morning when you wake and every night when you drift off to sleep, I will still be on your mind.

You will not be thinking of the safe and known and the choices you made out of expectation and duty.

You will be remembering how brightly my light shone.

You will be remembering how you once held love and beauty in your arms.

And each time, you will feel the loss. 

The loss of soul connection, of deep and fierce love. The loss of what could have been.

And maybe you will wonder if life without that kind of love was really worth living.

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16th Avenue

Swimming on a hot July night,

standing waist-deep in the Lake under the moonlight,

chest to chest, arms wrapped around each other.

That moment in time. 

My favorite person, holding me in my favorite place, under the moon.

You kissed me and said the words.

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Baby Breath

Birds are singing.

The breeze is blowing the curtains gently. Sunlight filtering through, just touching the edge of the bed.

I didn’t mean to drift off.

Little bodies, breathing with ease, curled in each arm.

I inhale the familiar scent of them, my babies.

I watch their little chests rise and fall.

There is a sink full of dishes, toys on the floor, and piles of laundry.

But I lie back onto my pillow.

Baby breath on my cheeks is more pressing.

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Reckless

We tried again.

With painful declarations and tears in our eyes, we agreed to part.

But I wrote and you called.

You are at my door. We sit side by side, leaning into each other.

Your inability to part, your unwillingness to unbind yourself from me.

The way you keep my things. My key, my letters, my bracelet, and my heart.

You refuse to let go of them.

You keep them near you and just close enough.

Close enough for hope.

Every time.

I allow it all and keep that space for you.

Because your heartbeat when you pull me in is loud in my ears.

And your kiss stirs my soul from its stillness.

You awaken my heart to the possibility of the impossible.

My hand in yours ignites the flame of hope…

Hope.

It is the most reckless feeling.

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Becoming Undone

My heartbeat is too loud.

I’m not sure if I’m breathing.

All my thoughts begin to swirl and mix.

Spinning, I am no longer anchored to the Earth.

I lay on my back.

The pain washes over me again and again.

There is a smothering heaviness in my chest.

I am soul-dark and heartbroken.

With seemingly no end to the onslaught of my hurt, I pray for death.

My skin is burning.  I want to peel it from my bones.

I want to slash and stab all the soft fleshy places on my body.

I want to pull my hair from its roots. I want to bleed.

I want it to end. I want out.

I want silence and a reprieve.

No more light, no more dark.

No more pain. I don’t want to feel.

Depression breaks my brain wide open and I become undone.

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Sway

I sway with the wind in the dark.

Listening to my heartbeat.

I reach down deep to the place where love lives.

Where it is formed.

I pull a piece of love out and think of her.

Carefully but with intention, I release love into the wind.

Hoping that piece will find her, bring light to her dark, and help bind the hole in her heart.

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Washed

Letting go of the breath I had been holding in, I open my eyes.

The beautiful vastness of the Lake is before me.

Sometimes she rages with whitecaps and fierce currents. Today, she caresses the sand with her gentle lapping. Inviting me into her open embrace.

It’s early morning the Sun is already hot.

I drop my dress and wade in. Diving under, the cold hits me, opening my brain, my soul, my being. Engulfed, my skin is tingling, my lungs are bursting, and my hair is flowing.

I stay under and swim out. Turning over to my back, I slowly float to the surface.

My face toward the sky, I am encased in a wet, living body. A deep place full of life and death. She holds me, and I am safe.

I stand, belly-deep, swaying with the waves. Breathing. She is spread out wide, loving, and comforting.

Within her embrace, with the drops of her running down my body, I am washed.