“Losing love is like a window in your heart. Everybody sees your blown apart. Everybody sees the wind blow.”
Paul Simon
I am walking around with this loss.
The window in my heart, curtains pushed aside, everybody can see the raw.
Everybody sees the bloody beating of my broken heart.
I am blown apart.
Simon, Paul (1986) Graceland. Warner Bros.
The unfinished conversations remain.
Each one, sorted by topic, is in my brain.
Sometimes I take one out to have on my own.
But I end up sad and frustrated.
I put it back. For now, I’ll keep them tucked inside my head.
Maybe, someday they will unravel and fall away.
Unfinished but no longer important.
You lay inside me and tell me you love me.
My name is said with warmth from your lips.
Your hands, your arms, you reach for me needing comfort and reassurance.
Your dishonesty destroys it all.
Your inability to be truthful with yourself wrecks it all. Your expressions of love are true but lost to your warped reality.
You will never really have the love you need until you live authentically.
One foot in and one foot out of two worlds is a chaotic place to live.
I want to stay in your embrace. Your arms are warm and comforting.
I want to inhale you. Your scent is familiar and heady.
I want to kiss you until the last name on your lips is mine.
I want to breathe into each other until all that remains is the sound of our heartbeats, the merging of our souls, and the Universe spread wide in our eyes.
To live without such a delicious love is to live without beauty, without the light of a heart that loves fully.
And to be left alone, missing the spark that makes all the fire in your belly isn’t living, it’s going through the motions, it’s settling, It’s life without color.
An ordinary day filled with moments of extraordinary spread across the Universe. The twists, trials, and miracles of life. The Karmic wheel ever spinning.
All that extraordinary filling an ordinary day.
All the (extra)ordinary is what makes life beautiful and tragic, (extra)ordinary is what makes life worth living.
I breathe in and out. Each breath is ordinary, but it is extraordinary that I’m still here.
I was running to the light, against the wind
Pushing forward, looking for a way into the Sun.
Blown backward, I lost my breath and my will.
I sat down in the darkness and wept.
You ran away, wrecked and scared to the safety of your dysfunction.
You took with you pieces of me and a heart doomed to regret.
You left behind a gutted soul and a broken heart.
I am the sort of heartbroken that alters the soul.
My chance is gone, our time is up.
All I wanted was you. Just you.
Exactly the way you are.
I didn’t need you. I chose you, I wanted you.
You weren’t the guy I held up to others as proof that we were in love.
That was never important.
The way you looked at me, the way you kissed me, the way you held my hand was proof enough.
You weren’t my social media image, plastered on my page to assure everyone you belong to me.
That was never important.
I didn’t need you to belong to me. I wanted to love you in a way you felt free.
You, just you. Your brilliantly weird mind. Your soul kindness. Your thoughts, your feelings, your essence.
All that makes you, you.
That was what was important.
I never wanted to change you or control you. I didn’t need to make demands upon you or take you away from anything important in your life.
I only wanted to love you, to be with you exactly the way you are.
In my darkest moments, you show up.
Listening without judgment.
Seeing me at my worst, you saw past the glass in my hand and into my heart and always believed I could be better, even when I did not.
You are filled with beauty and grace, one of the strong.
Already carrying so much, you still lend your hand to lift others’ burdens.
You are love in motion.
I can’t imagine my life without you.
And am grateful for you every day.
And I like the way you draw out the U when you say or type FUUUUUUCK.